“Before you speak, think: Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?”
~ Sai Baba
Do you speak your mind? When it comes to communication, humans are (probably) at the top of the food chain. Through untold years of evolution and growth, our remarkable brains have managed to develop the unique gift of language. Through our words, we can easily convey simple and complex topics. This has empowered humans to speak our minds and create marvellous cultures and societies; it has also burdened us with the all-too-common problem of miscommunication.
On a theoretical level, our brains can handle loads of information. In practice, though, our minds are only so powerful. When we talk with others, we often rely on internalized and unconscious biases to dictate our tone and actions. While this may be great for surviving in the wilderness. It’s not as helpful when you’re meeting with your boss.
However, by acknowledging this shortcoming, we’ve already made a huge step forward in how we communicate. When talking to others, we need to be aware and control our biases and tendencies. While there are many ways to improve your conversational skills, we’ll focus on five easy tips that anyone and everyone can use, regardless of the situation or subject. Whenever you’re chatting with someone, whether it’s your mom or your coworkers, you can improve the experience for everyone by:
- Practicing with others beforehand
- Accepting responsibility for how words may hurt others
- Defining the goal of a discussion
- Listening and validate others throughout the discussion
- Repeating the outcome we want and trying to urge the discussion to a proper conclusion
By using these tactics, you can more easily and comfortably begin to (or improve on your existing ability to) speak your mind. Regardless of what situation you may be in, this skill is an essential tool for everyone to have. While it may seem easier to avoid any conflict, healthy, respectful discussion is important to maintaining an open, safe, and positive environment.
1. Speak Your Mind But Practice Before You Preach
Everyone’s heard of “practice what you preach”, but it’s just as important to practice before you preach! Roleplaying and practicing a tough discussion with friends, family, or even your own reflection can help you prepare what you want to say in advance and plan for anything that may happen.
However, before you start practicing, you may want to look inward. There may be a reason you avoid speaking up, and conflict avoidance is likely. This term describes many peoples’ deep-set need to be a “people pleaser”.
A good strategy to overcome a reliance on conflict avoidance in your daily life is to recognize that conflict does not have to be aggressive. In fact, healthy “conflict” is a normal and necessary part of any relationship. When you see a problem that needs to be fixed, you should speak up!
Another crucial step to overcoming problems with conflict avoidance is to understand why you wish to avoid conflict. In many cases, folks with rough or uncertain upbringings feel the need to “maintain the peace”; this manifests as silence. However, this is not always the case. Instead of giving in to negative thoughts, reframe your doubts and fears with positive affirmations.
2. When You Speak Your Mind, Accept Responsibility
Tying back into the root of the issue is the thorny problem of responsibility. When we speak, our words have consequences. It doesn’t matter if the outcome isn’t as we intended, because the conversation is a two-way street. As such, it’s important to accept responsibility for how we make others feel with our words.
This responsibility is a great example of what practicing how a situation may play out is important. Having a safe environment to vent frustrations before they become a problem is crucial to controlling your own feelings. Unless you’re a top-grade actor, your feelings and emotions will show in how you speak to people.
In addition to handling and acknowledging your feelings, one of the best ways to handle this responsibility is to begin discussions in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental manner. Never open with an accusation or harsh critique. Instead, politely invite others to engage with you, so that you can work things out peacefully and without ruffled feathers.
Nonverbal communication is one of the most challenging areas in which to navigate this responsibility. Phone calls, text messages, and remote chat rooms may make work easier and more accessible, but they remove the nonverbal cues we rely on to gauge reactions and emotions. In these situations, it’s especially important to mind your manners and avoid confrontational language.
3. Set a Goal
While it may not always be necessary, many conversations you’ll have in your professional life will be a bit more than idle chatter. Even in your personal life, there will be times that you have to speak your mind about something that they may not want to hear. That’s why it’s essential that you set a goal for the conversation. Moreover, you should strive to lead the discussion with your concern.
4. Listen & Validate
Keeping your practice, responsibility, and goal in mind, you must also remember that your conversational partner will also have something to say. Though you may not like their response or reasoning, it’s important that you listen to and validate their feelings. Regardless of what may be said, you should understand that, like you, everyone has their own implicit biases and habits.
Everyone is a constant work in progress, and nobody is perfect. You can easily initiate a discussion at a bad time or catch someone when they’re not quite ready to engage with the topic. You may receive a negative or even aggressive response at times like these. Do not mirror this reaction. Do not mirror the behavior. Instead, work with the person to return the discussion to a calm and respectful tone.
Sometimes, when someone is upset with something you’ve said, they may also have a point! Don’t brush them off. Hear them out. You may have stepped on some toes without realizing it, and this mistake can become a cultural learning experience for you.
At other times, the person you’re speaking with may simply be having a bad day. In these situations, you may have done nothing wrong. It may just be that you were the straw that broke the camel’s back. Even so, listening and empathizing can go a long way to building a healthier, stronger relationship with someone.
5. Don’t Give Up
There are times that all of your practice and soul-searching means nothing. Sometimes, people simply don’t want to engage with you. There may be many reasons for this, and an equally ample number of those concerns aren’t your fault! Nevertheless, if you want to speak your mind, survive and build meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and coworkers, you’ll sometimes need to deal with these unpleasant scenarios.
When things go awry, your first step should be to avoid panicking! This tried-and-true tip is as useful for workplace miscommunication as it is for a disaster. If a conversation starts to veer off course or goes unexpectedly sour, keep a level head and remember what you’ve practiced.
Remember your goal and try to urge the discussion back on track. You’ll likely need to do some quick thinking. Mix all of the strategies together and apply them as needed. Acknowledge any feelings that are directed towards you, and recognize that they may not even be your fault.
There are a variety of calming exercises you can use to help you actively de-stress in these situations. Visual folks may opt to picture a calming scene, while others may take a quick sniff of a comforting smell.
… But Know When It’s Time to Stop
If the discussion comes back around, that’s great! However, sometimes things just don’t work out. You can’t win every battle, and (as we’ve learned in the first tip) you can’t please everyone. Sometimes, you should remain silent.
- Avoid fighting negativity with anger. If you’re about to say something unkind, stop!
- Allow others to express grief, anger, or frustration without interruption (when possible).
- Know when actions speak louder than words.
- Remember some fights aren’t worth pursuing. Sometimes, it’s best to agree to disagree.
If you find yourself feeling particularly angry or upset about a situation, it’s also worth looking into finding a professional to vent to. A qualified therapist can help you work through your inner conflicts, which can positively impact your outward communication skills.
The Bottom Line
At the end of the day, we all want to be better versions of ourselves. While you may have made huge progress in your own life, it’s important to recognize that not everyone is you! A bit of compassion, empathy, and tactful silence can make a huge impact on both your life and the lives of the people around you.
When you speak your mind and conflict arises, you can only control your half of the battle. In addition to these guidelines, some smaller changes that can make a big difference are:
- Identifying your personal boundaries, especially in more intimate relationships
- Understanding and acknowledging your own fears and apprehensions
- Accepting the differences that make each person unique
- Being authentic (but respectful) in all interactions
Understanding yourself is one of the biggest pieces of the communication puzzle. Once you’ve mastered the art of knowing your own feelings and habits, it’s easier to control and manage them under stress. When you speak your mind, things will not always go smoothly, and even the most civil and inconsequential comments can be terribly misunderstood. Importantly, it’s always good to remember that, sometimes, the best thing to do is to leave the discussion.
1 Comment
Francesco
Touche. Solid arguments. Keep up the great work.
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