Is that voice in your head cheering you on or tearing you down? If you’re like most humans, it is a bit more of the latter. According to Shad Helmstetter, PhD, author of What to Say When you Talk to Yourself, a whopping 77% of everything we think is negative, and negative thinking leads to negative self-talk. Most of us aren’t even aware we do it. Just like your computer, our brains are running software. Our programs were installed at a young age by people who may have had great intentions but were unaware of their own negative programs. The sad truth is most of us are using our self-talk to create a life we DON’T want! So how can we break this cycle? How can we use the power of self-talk to create the life we DO want? Here are five steps to rewriting your self-talk.
Recognise it
How do you know your self-talk is disempowering? Your emotions will give you the clues; typically, negative emotions are preceded by negative self-talk. For example, if you forgot something you needed for work, which made you feel frustrated or angry, you trace the emotion back to the thought you were thinking about the situation. You might think, I’m an idiot; why did I forget that thing again? When you isolate the thought, you can see that the emotion wasn’t about you forgetting something; it’s about what you said to yourself about forgetting something. Start noticing your emotions and being a detective to find the self-talk that created them.
Question it
Now that you’ve zeroed in on that self-talk, it’s time to put it on the stand! If you take the above example, you can use a line of questioning that shines the light on those pesky critical thoughts. Author Byron Katie shares four simple and life-changing questions in her book Loving What Is that rewire negative thoughts.
- Is it true that you really are an idiot?
- Can you be sure it’s true?
- How do you react when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.”
– Byron Katie, Author
Turn it around, talk to yourself like a best friend
Now you know it’s not true, OR you still think it’s true, but you’ve realised that even though you think that thought, it’s not very helpful, it’s time to put in a new thought that’s like something a supportive coach or best friend would say. What would you tell your best friend if they forgot something? You probably wouldn’t call them an idiot – you’d say something like … It’s ok, it happens, you’ve got a lot on your plate. OR You don’t always forget things; it’s no big deal, or use Byron Katie’s technique; you would try on the opposite thought in a turnaround statement. You’re clever; you remember what is important. OR I’ll remember everything; I have a clear mind.
Identify negative self-talk danger zones
Be aware of any specific situations that turn your self-talk into a cranky drill sergeant on a rampage. For example, when you’re at work around that “perfect” co-worker who always seems to get recognition. For some people, it happens in specific social settings or paying bills, or, if you like me, it’s around dinner time when my culinary skills fall short. I’m not good in the kitchen; I hate cooking! What, where, when, and with whom does your inner critic get the upper hand? Make a list… so you are prepared next time.
Use self-talk to create the life you want; create positive self-talk scripts
Take the list of topics or situations from above and create a list of self-talk scripts that provide you with the boost to move through challenging experiences with more ease and confidence.
Imposter Syndrome – I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far. It’s ok not to know everything on this path; I’m in this position for a reason.
Stress – I can handle anything life throws my way. I know life happens for me, not to me. If I look at what is around me at this moment, everything is OK. I’m OK right now.
Anxiety – I’m okay right now because life wants the best for me; I’m unique, I’m loved, and I’m important; I’m free to focus on the beauties around me.
Lack – There is more than enough love, laughter and abundance in this world to go around. Money comes to me easily and effortlessly, I deserve the best, and I accept the best now.
Relationships/Love – The love between my partner and me is stronger than our fights and misunderstandings. My partner and I are capable of setting healthy boundaries in our relationship. My partner and I always resolve our conflicts peacefully and respectfully.
Confidence – Mistakes are a steppingstone to success. They are the path I must tread to achieve my dreams. I do excellent work. I believe in myself and my skills. All I need to succeed is within me. I can do it!
Health and wellbeing – I put myself, my health, and healing above everything. I consider what I think about myself more than people think of me. I strive to live a good life.
Bottom Line
Self-talk is so much more powerful than we know, but the good news is that your reality will change around you by identifying and changing that programming. It may not be easy, but it’s a small price to pay for a life YOU want, filled with the people, events and things you truly desire! Which thoughts would you like to create for your future?!
