We’re often our harshest critics. When we make a mistake, feel embarrassed or forget something, our internal critic is locked and loaded to hammer us with abuse and insults. We would be appalled if we heard anyone speaking to another human using the tone and language we use with ourselves. We say things like, “Who do you think you are? You are an idiot! You always ruin things.” This internal battle drains us and prevents us from pursuing our dreams for fear of being cut down again! Thankfully, there are options. It doesn’t have to be this way; the antidote to self-criticism is self-compassion. A beautiful way to practice self-compassion during challenging times is to nurture ourselves with a self-compassion meditation.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is not different to the compassion you would feel towards others. For example, If you knew someone was suffering from difficult life circumstances, you would notice their suffering and offer a helping hand or a kind word. Self-compassion is noticing when you are suffering and providing the type of support you would offer a close friend or family member if they were experiencing what you are experiencing. You’d tell them they are human and are right to feel the way they feel. With self-compassion, you are kind to yourself, encouraging you to try again, whereas berating yourself causes you to shut down and potentially give up when things get complicated.
The keys to self-compassion
There are three keys to developing a self-compassion practice.
Mindfulness
Being aware of the internal dialogue and stepping back to assess whether you are being kind or cruel to yourself, you must cultivate mindfulness to become aware of your own suffering. One of the best mindfulness practices that will help you access this skill is meditation. Keep reading to learn a self-compassion meditation.
Common Humanity
We understand that we are all human and experience suffering, loss and pain. Opening your heart to this knowledge will help you feel less isolated in your despair and more open to compassion.
Active self-soothing
Self-compassion is active and requires taking action to soothe your own suffering with loving kindness. Taking steps or making decisions that soothe and support you in your suffering brings your practice to life. Consider what you would offer a dear friend who needs compassion and provide that for yourself.
It’s essential to understand self-compassion to know the three emotion-regulating systems, according to Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion Focused Therapy, identified the three systems responsible for regulating the complicated world of our emotions.
Three emotion-regulating systems
Threat system
This system protects us from danger and includes emotions like fear and anger. It’s our fight-flight or freeze system. This system is always ON and thinks, “better safe than sorry” unfortunately, it often gets things wrong. It’s created in the Amygdala, our primitive brain and stimulates the production of cortisol and adrenaline. When the threat system is overactive, it can cause us to see threats where they do not exist and make decisions based on fear rather than a sound understanding of the problem.
Drive system
This system is goal-oriented and focused on getting things done. It focuses on success, status, and “likes” on social media. The achievement of these goals feels good, and the dominant hormone triggered in pursuing the goal is dopamine. It’s the key to motivation, achievement, and reward. Excessive activation of the drive system can lead to pursuing goals at all costs, and other essential areas of our lives can go unnoticed. We can risk losing relationships and what is most important to us.
Soothing System
This is helpful, not harmful, and focuses on caregiving and receiving, warmth, nourishing, and forgiveness. It motivates through encouragement rather than achievement. The soothing system is considered the rest and digest system and stimulates the desire to connect and understand the needs of others and yourself. This system allows us to manage distress skillfully and productively.
We can activate the soothing system by consciously demonstrating self-compassion. To do this intentionally is an act of self-love and is essential for nourishing ourselves through challenging times.
Dr Kristi Neff has dedicated her life’s work to understanding the benefits of self-compassion. Dr Neff has created numerous resources for anyone interested in supporting themselves or their community with self-compassion. The following mediation is one of her many self-compassion-guided practices.
Self-compassion meditation
Think of a situation where you are in need of some care – something about yourself you don’t like or difficulty you are facing; feel your way into the situation, what are you feeling. Feel the distress in your body.
Bring in the three components.
Mindfulness – be present with what is, validating the pain. Say, “this is really hard to feel this or to experience this.”
Humanity – Say, “this is human, feeling like this is natural; I’m not the only one.” Allow yourself to feel your connectedness to others in your own imperfection
Kindness – Put your hands on your heart or cradle your face with your hands, the warmth with your hands, saying something kind to yourself precisely what you need to hear in this moment; it’s OK to be imperfect; I’m here for you, it will be OK, not our hat to say, imagine what you would say to a dear friend in a similar situation, what words would you use, say something similar to yourself. Let the practice go, and allow yourself to be exactly where you are in the moment.
Buddha put it quite simply: “You can search the whole tenfold universe and not find a single being more worthy of love and compassion than the one seated here—yourself.”
To Sum it Up
Use this self-compassion meditation practice whenever you feel you need tender kindness. Self-compassion will provide you with love and support from the person who most needs to learn to give this, yourself.
