We’re programmed to believe we’re not enough. Not pretty, thin, smart or rich enough. Kids have easier access to these negative messages through social media than ever before. As a parent, it can be tough to teach kids self-love when you can’t love yourself. After all, you’re supposed to have all the answers, but how can you teach them if you feel insecure?
I’ll tell you a secret: Nobody has all the answers. Nobody! Self-love isn’t a state of mind. Self-love is a radical act of embracing your emotions and values. It’s setting your standards based on what’s in your heart, not anyone else’s. It’s a journey of discovering yourself and your values, and it’s ok not to have all the answers. And it’s a journey you can take with the kids in your life. Here are some lessons I’ve learned about teaching kids self-love, even if you’re still trying to learn to love yourself.
It’s Ok To Not Be Ok
Not every day is a good day. Your kids know this. Sometimes, they negatively interact with peers or are frustrated with coursework at school. They must learn to embrace those negative emotions and healthily process them. One of the best ways to do that is by setting an example and letting go of your false happy facade. Pretending to be happy in front of your kids at all times is draining and inauthentic. It’s great to be upbeat for the kids in your life, but It’s also important to let them know that you sometimes have bad moods and days but can come out the other side.
Forcing positivity doesn’t create positivity. It just shows your kids that it’s not ok to come to you with their problems and experience a full range of emotions. Instead, teach them to process these emotions healthily. Avoid negative self-talk in front of them, but don’t be afraid to discuss negative emotions. Teach them to put names to their feelings and show them how to talk those feelings through. For example, teach them to say, “I’m feeling angry, or I’m feeling sad rather than I am angry or I am sad.”
Let kids know that it’s ok to have negative emotions and show them that negativity doesn’t have to rule their lives. Let them know they don’t have to like these feelings, but it helps to acknowledge they exist.
Acknowledge The Process
Imagine how great it would be if you woke up tomorrow and you could accept and embrace all of your insecurities and anxieties. Unfortunately, learning to love yourself is a process that could take years or even lifetimes. Just as insecurity and negative self-image build up over time, it can take a lot of time and energy to learn to love yourself for who you are. Having a bad day or harshly judging yourself can be discouraging, but it doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself anymore. You can always pick up your new self-love practice from where you left off.
Remember that you can keep going when you find yourself in a mood or situation where you think you’re a little harder to love. Find something to do that aligns with your values and demonstrates that you are willing to care for yourself, and teach your kids how to do that, too. Demonstrate that it’s ok to notice and redirect their thoughts when they’re feeling down about themselves. Teach them how to find a new helpful thought or a pick-me-up activity they enjoy without pressure or expectations.
Do Your Best
When you’re learning to love yourself, part of that process is realizing that your reality and the expectations others have had for you might not line up. Sometimes, we face impossible pressures, especially from figures of authority.
The thing is, though, there’s no such thing as perfect. Nobody is free of flaws, doubts, and insecurities. Nobody’s perfect— all you can do is your best. One of the hardest things about learning to love yourself is embracing the idea that you are worthy of love, just as you are. You don’t have to achieve anything or live up to anyone’s standards to be worthy of love. You deserve love because you are you, and that’s all that anybody can ever be. So when you’re thinking about loving yourself and modelling that for a child, don’t try to live up to anybody else’s idea of who you should be. Try to notice when you expect your kids to fit into a mould other than who they are and let it go.
Remember Your Past
Children’s most important relationships are with their families; they look to parents, siblings, and other relatives as role models and support. When you reflect on your past, think about the standards your parents set for you. Did they demand perfection? We’re their expectations impossible or unreasonable?
When you’re thinking about setting expectations for your child, think about what you needed when you were their age. When you outline your expectations, focus on a growth mindset for your child’s character instead of their achievements. Instead of demanding good grades, teach them the value of doing their best. Teach them to embrace the things that make them unique, and help them develop their standards and values. Remember what your family did that was hurtful— even if it wasn’t intentional— and remind yourself that you won’t continue the cycle.
Give Mindful Compliments
Kids internalize a lot more than you might think. If they only ever hear that they’re pretty, smart, or good at sports, these things can become huge parts of their identity, to the point where their self-worth only comes from their performance or perceived innate abilities. It’s ok to tell your child they’re cute or intelligent, but be sure to remind them that they have other amazing qualities— things that are immeasurable, intangible, and incredible.
If you only praise your child’s intelligence, they’ll associate their value with academic success. But if you praise how well-rounded, creative, and hard-working they are, they’ll have an easier time embracing their core values. By complimenting and encouraging their internal strength and not just their outer progress or achievements, you’ll teach them to value themselves… not just their output.
Their Bodies, Their Rules
One of the significant elements of self-doubt is insecurity surrounding appearance. Whether it’s sniping comments about weight or height, or a rigid insistence on their clothing options, many life-long insecurities begin in childhood. It can be hard to understand your relationship with food or how you look if your parents made these choices for you and never let you have any input.
Kids need some control in their lives to know how to set healthy boundaries. Promoting bodily autonomy is a great way to start helping them with these boundaries. That doesn’t mean you have to let your kid do whatever they want— what it means is respecting their choices within a healthy limit. It means showing them that there are many ways to express themselves and accept their choices.
Keep Your Body Talk Positive
It also means trying your best to avoid negative body talk in front of kids. Little girls as young as five start worrying about diets based on what their moms say. This can be hard to do because of media messages about how we should look and eat a certain way— and like so many other expectations set by external forces, these are often simply unattainable. This is intentional. Many of the messages we receive are designed to keep us unhappy so that we keep buying products and using services we don’t necessarily need. It’s a trap, and if you’re learning to love yourself, it’s hard to get out of it.
You can help your kids escape this trap by showing them that their bodies don’t just exist to be a certain size. Talk about the fun you have exercising, not how it’ll make you smaller. If you’re avoiding certain foods, just say you’re not in the mood for them— not that they’re bad or good. You might just find that by modelling this for your kids, you’re reinforcing it for you! Body acceptance is beneficial on the journey towards self-love, and it’s something that you and your kid can practice embracing together.
Treat Them Like People
Kids are people, too, which means that you should treat them the way you’d want to be treated. When they want to talk, actually pay attention and show genuine interest. Give a little eye contact, too. It might only be a brief interaction, but by actively engaging with them and giving them your full attention, they’ll learn that what they have to say and are interested in is worthwhile. Far too often, adults can be dismissive of children’s interests. What that shows them is that the things they care about are unimportant. And if those interests are insignificant, how can the other things they’re interested in have value?
Show, Don’t Tell
Parenthood doesn’t mean you have to lose your boundaries and sense of self! Self-sacrifice isn’t healthy for you, and it’s not healthy for your kids, either. Instead, teach your kids self-love and how to have good boundaries and live their best lives by following through with your self-care.
Self-care might mean taking some time for yourself, away from responsibilities. Make sure your kids see you doing things to enjoy yourself other than work. Find joy in everyday activities, and spend time with uplifting people. Praise and compliment other people, even when they can’t hear you— and be genuine about it. Kids learn by example, and though you can repeat yourself a million times, simply telling them what to do isn’t enough. By showing them how to take care of themselves and do things that build self-esteem, you’ll give them a positive role model to follow.
Be Involved, But Don’t Hover
When babies are little, they depend on the adults in their life for everything. A baby’s entire sense of self is brand new and developing as they mature into toddlers and then older kids. It’s impossible to be over-involved in a baby’s life because they rely on you for their basic needs.
But once kids are a little older, there’s a balance you need to strike. This can be tough because people struggling with self-love often have parents who are either over-involved or under-involved. There’s a real temptation to take the opposite extreme. Adults whose parents were over-involved and controlling think a hands-off approach is safer. Adults whose parents weren’t very involved might want to have a hand in every part of their child’s life. But part of teaching kids self-love is watching our impulses and making decisions based on what will set them up for success.
When parents aren’t very involved in their kids’ lives, it creates a void where encouragement should be. If kids don’t have anybody treating them like they’re worthwhile, interesting, and deserving of love and attention, they might grow up to feel like they aren’t worthy of positive feelings. But if parents are too involved, they create a situation of excessive control, and kids don’t feel like they can define themselves. This means that children have few opportunities to develop positive thoughts and feelings because the parents’ expectations dictate these. These children often grow up unable to feel positive about themselves in both situations because they were never shown how.
To Sum It Up
Teaching kids love and respect for themselves and others by demonstrating these qualities yourself is the path to self-love for your kids and yourself. The journey is never perfect, but when it’s embraced with love, it’s much more enjoyable!